Gurumaa: People desire good clothes, good things, cars, etc., and sometimes they even question why the guru owns these things? “I too should get a chance to enjoy them!”
The reality is that we are not even aware that there are repressed desires deep within us. We don’t even know which desires we are harboring and when they will come up to the surface, overpower us, and even make us cast aspersions on the guru: ‘How come he is wearing good clothes, possessing good things, traveling in a Mercedes…etc.’
Only wisdom can show us the way out of the trap of desires that our mind creates; as such, not even experience can. If only the experience of sensual gratification could lead us out of it, the whole world would be wise. But it is only the wisdom to distinguish the perishable from the imperishable, and the discernment to understand that there is a pit into which we can fall if we don’t watch out, that can help us come out of the web spun by the ego.
It is not a bad thing to desire good clothes or good stuff, but to make it the means and not the end is harmful. The Birlas, Tatas, Ambanis, Donald Trump, Bill Gates: all have tons of money – they don’t just jet around the world, they own private jets. Yet, after having all this, do they possess the wisdom to realize that all these things are transient; are not meant to be pursued and multiplied, and in the end will not give them the true happiness they actually seek in this round-about way?
We do not have to judge only other people; we can be unbiased but critical of ourselves too. We need to just watch our mind and learn from our mistakes. If we are watchful, we can learn new things every moment – that is the only way to come out of the trap set by the mind. Every enlightened being has once stumbled, fallen and made mistakes, but also learnt that when and where you fall, know it to be just a fall – and get up again.
So I say that mind can be changed. The body has its limitations; we are built in a certain way and after a point we cannot really change that structure, but the mind can break the boundaries it has created and it can expand. Acceptance of limitations and boundaries is necessary to overcome them.
Observe the sky, the trees, the flowers, the grass… the colors, the fragrances all around, and rejoice that you can do so. Have you ever woken up in the morning with sheer joy: ‘Wow, I am actually alive! I can see, smell, hear, taste, touch….?’
What we see is not real; the world is not real…Everything seen is imperishable. ‘Conditions apply!’ Therefore be very vigilant and mindful all the time. Watch your mind.


Q. Why do we have desires, emotions and attachments? How can we detach our selves from them as they create so much of suffering?

Gurumaa: Desires and emotions are a part of being human. We have been blessed to feel emotions; the problem arises when we don’t know how to manage these emotions and when unnecessarily because of the ignorance we stumble upon our emotions and fall down.
You can’t blame nature for giving us emotions and should rather be thankful to it. From mother we experience unconditional affection; from father we get immense inspiration and support – both financial and emotional support; brothers & sisters and all other relatives play a very important role in shaping up your personality.
Whatsoever differences or problems may arise in our relationships but that doesn’t mean that emotions and attachments are bad. No, they are good. Even attachment is good.
It is only through attachment that one learns to cling and only the one who has learned to cling and enjoyed worldly affections can come out of it. Attachments are not meant to get stuck but to experience, enjoy and simply move beyond them.
Have you ever seen a dry leaf falling down from the tree? No one pulls the leaf; no one asks it to come down. Leaf is not making any conscious effort to fall down. But by just being with that branch one day it starts getting dried up. Leaf is attached to the branch but slowly the juice flowing in the leaf starts drying up, and gradually the color of leaf changes, and one day it simply falls down.
The family attachments and emotions are just like tree and leaf; we are like a leaf and family & society are like a tree. Till the time the juice of affections and emotions is flowing we are happy. But yes, whenever you are happy you should not forget the fact that you can’t continue to be happy always. Happiness comes after sadness.
The fun of meeting a friend is only when you meet him after a long separation. When two friends or two relatives sit together and live together for a long time, all fun and ecstasy just vanishes. So we need some separation to enjoy the meetings and we need some sadness too to enjoy the happiness. We need death to celebrate life.
Beauty of life is in its contradictions. Wise persons know how to live whereas unwise persons don’t know how to live and how to die. That is the reason of their pain and turmoil. See, with pencil you can write beautiful poetries, short stories, novels; you can write anything but with that pencil you can hurt yourself too. Have you ever seen a child who pokes the pencil in his nose, puts it in his ear, put it in his eyes and then cries? Child can also say that throw away all the pencils and pens from home. They are so dangerous why have you kept them at home.
But we always teach the child that it was his mistake to poke the pencil and there is no reason to throw away all the pens and pencils from home. Similarly there is no need to throw away all the emotions and attachments. Experience them but with open eyes. Know that every emotion and attachment has its own limitations.
Every life is followed by death, happiness is followed by sorrow and every meeting is followed by separation. So we should accept life in all its dualities. Problem is this that we want to remain on the bank only i.e. we don’t want separation, we don’t want death, we don’t want sadness and we don’t want misfortunes.
Whether you want something or not, problems are going to be there. Be easy and accept the life in its totality. When sadness comes be sad, when happiness comes enjoy, when death happens be very thoughtful, when birth happens rejoice. Rabindra Nath Tagore, on birth of any child used to say that God is still not angry with the humans and that’s the reason a new being has entered in our life.

The temples of Khajuraho are India’s unique gift to the world. They express love in its most unique form. Khajuraho Temples are the most graphic, erotic and sensuous Indian sculptures, the world has ever known.  They are famous for their erotic carvings.  Khajuraho Temples are standing testimonials of the glorious past of India.
History

The Khajuraho temples were built between 950 and 1050 AD in the state of Madhya Pradesh, India. They were built during the Chandela dynasty of Central India (These rulers claimed descent from the moon, hence the name Chand-ela). After the decline of the Chandela dynasty in 13th century, the temples were left under the cover of dense date palm trees for many years, which gave the city of Khajuraho its name, Khajur in Hindi means a date.

In 1838, a British army engineer, Captain T.S. Burt rediscovered them. It had at least eighty-five temples, out of which twenty-two exist today.

Something interesting regarding Khajuraho Temples is how its name came into existence. Khajuraho derives its name from the tree khajur (date palm), which can be found in abundance in that area.

Location:

Khajuraho temples are situated in the state of Madhya Pradesh in the Chhatarpur district. They are famous all over the world for their spectacular architecture and bold artistic statement. They are quite different in architectural style and are the one of the most captivating temples in India.

Khajuraho temples are grouped into three categories namely Eastern group, Western group and Southern group.
Some of the important temples to visit at Khajuraho include the Lakshmi and Varaha temples, Kandariya Mahadev, Devi Jagdamba, Vishvanath Temple, Chausath Yogini and so on.

Western Group of Temples:

These are the largest and the richest temples in Khajuraho:

Lakhmana Temple – It is one of the oldest and finest temples in this place. The unique aspect of this temple is the trinity of Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva with Lakshmi ( Lord Vishnu’s consort).

Devi Jagdamba Temple – This temple has some of the finest sculptures of Khajuraho. It is dedicated to the Goddess (devi). The Devi Jagdamba temple is known for its erotic sculptures and houses Khajuraho’s most talked-about image, the mithuna (the sensuously carved figures of amorous couples). It has three bands of sculptures, of which the third and uppermost of these houses some of the most erotic sculptures.

Chaunsat Yogini – It is the oldest surviving shrine out of the three granite temples dedicated to Godess Kali. It is the only granite temple in the Khajuraho temples group.

Chitragupta temple – It is dedicated to Surya (the Sun God) and faces eastwards to the rising sun.

Eastern Group of Temples –

This group consists mainly of Jain and Hindu temples.

Parshvanath Temple – It is the largest and the finest temple in this group. An amazing feature of this temple is the exquisite carvings that depict the timeless beauty of a women. The sculptures on the northern outer wall are something that you should not miss.

Adinath Temple – It is dedicated to the Jain Saint, Adinath. It consists of a lot of sculpted figures.
Brahma Temple – It is one of the oldest temples of Khajuraho and is dedicated to Lord Vishnu. It is made entirely in granite and sandstone.
The Hanuman temple, Ghantai temple, Vamana temple and Javari temple are some other outstanding temples in Khajuraho that have excellent architecture.

Southern Group of Temples –

Dulhadev Temple – Duladeo temple is dedicated to Lord Shiva. It lies south to the Ghantai temple and is the last temple of Khajuraho. It enshrines a Shivalingam and the most notable feature of this temple is the apsara and ornamented figures.

Chattarbhuj Temple or the Jatkari Temple – It was built in 1100 A.D., and it is well known for its architecture. It is the only temple that is devoid of any erotic sculpture. An outstanding feature of this temple is the massive 9 feet Vishnu Idol that has been intricately carved.

Spectacular Khajuraho Temples:
Khajuraho Temples are particularly known for their erotic sculptures that undoubtedly fan the flames of physical desires of an individual. Khajuraho Temples are an excellent example of outstanding human creativity in the form of sculptures. Unlike other temples Khajuraho temples are said to have a theme (women), which comes in front while going through the temples.  The Khajuraho Temples are famous for their sensuous depiction of the Art of Love making. Candid Eroticism and delicate sensuality have found their ultimate heights in the Khajuraho temples.

Dance Festival:
Khajuraho festival is a 7 day festival celebrated with fervour and joy, during the pleasant Hindu spring month of Phalguna (spring), corresponding with the months of February/March. There are many celebrations that involve Indian Classical dance and music. These are believed to have originated in the Hindu temples. In the month of march, visitors are drawn to a dance festival which attracts some of the best and outstanding classical dancers of India.

Trip Schedule:

Visiting Khajuraho is an exciting experience. The temples can be explored in one full day. If you happen to be here in the month of March then the dance festival will be an added bonanza in your itinerary.

Summer: Summer 47 Deg. C. 21 Deg. C.
Winter: Winter 32 Deg. C. 4 Deg. C.
Rainfall: 114 cm. July-September
Best Season: October to March.

Travel Connectivity:
Khajuraho is easily accessible through air, rail and road.
» By Air: Regular services link Khajuraho with Delhi, Agra, and Varanasi.
» By Rail: The nearest railheads are Harpalpur (94 Km) and Mahoba (61 Km). Jhansi (172 Km) is a convenient railhead for those traveling from Delhi and Chennai; Satna (117 Km), on the Mumbai-Allahabad line of the Central Railway for those coming from Mumbai, Kolkata and Varanasi.
» By Road: Khajuraho is connected by regular buses with Satna, Harpalpur, Jhansi and Mahoba.

Spirituality

• What’s your personal perspective on Spirituality?

• Rhea: I think we are all inherently spiritual. It’s just the level of awareness & maturity of mind as to when you recognize that and you are in tuned with it.

Marriage

• What is your view on the institution of marriage?

“MY STRUGGLE WITH THE WORD MARRIAGE IS THAT IN TODAY’S WORLD WE GIVE MORE IMPORTANCE TO RULES AND REGULATIONS ASSOCIATED WITH IT AND NEGLECT THE ESSENCE”

• Rhea:My struggle with the word marriage is that in today’s world we give more importance to rules and regulations associated with it and neglect the essence. For example, the question arises if we have put down our marriage on the paper? Is there a security for me being with my partner? Hence, it becomes more of a board room than a marriage and that disturbs me. Because it goes against the essence on why we are together or it probably elaborates a point too strongly which does not needs to be emphasized. And I think the reasons that bring two people together are overlooked, or not given importance, time and value. I believe more importance should be given to the fact that how committed you are.

• Having said that do you feel now getting married is necessary in the 21st century?

• Rhea:I honestly believe that it’s necessary for the sake of children because we do come from a society that has social rules and regulations and norms, which have influenced us from time immemorial. And these affect the child’s mind. I am not against the process; I just hope that we should respect the reasons why the process came into being. So if you keep that in mind, why not, marriage is a wonderful institution, but the way it is perceived today is something I don’t like.
  

“THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS HEALTH, HAPPINESS AND GROWTH IN LIFE”

• Do you think marriage is a bondage?

• Rhea: Not bondage, it can actually be very liberating. It all depends on being true to the reasons of coming together. Bondage is when you confine yourself, and you are knotting yourself up in the process of this is how this has to be done, this is what I expect you to do, when the expectations become unrealistic. That’s when it becomes a bondage. When you are not letting yourself or your partner grow.
  

• What’s your message for the youth? And how should they go about deciding about this aspect whether or not to marry.
  

• Rhea: There is no general rule that applies to each and every individual. The only thing that is required is to be true to your self. It’s a wonderful institution. Only if you are in for the right reasons and you value the fact that there are two different individuals involved, who have two different thought processes, two different belief systems. And when you accept that, there is huge level of acceptance as two individuals work together. I love the beautiful statement by Khalil Gibran that says, “Two pillars support the same roof. And its independent pillars. But they work towards the same goal.”Now there are certain choices that partners make, which may not be acceptable to one of the partners but as long as it works towards the same goal and both get the freedom to express their identity or their individuality, they should respect the each other. So this allowing each other to grow towards the same goal, you have to have a like minded partner.

• So why does this divorce come into picture? Why does that happen?

• Rhea: It comes into the picture when you do not have the same goal as your partner’s to an extent that it is completely opposite of what you want. So if you come to a point where you see that you cannot evolve or grow this way, and it is becoming more of an endless route of unhealthiness, then there is no why should you not get divorced. So the most important thing is health, happiness and growth in life.
  

Treatment of Women

• What is your perspective on the malpractices of female foeticide and discriminatory treatment given to women in India?

• Rhea: There is no denial that discrimination exists but the good part is that it is changing in the right direction. When I was told that I have given birth to a daughter, I felt that it is the most brilliant thing to happen.
  We should also applaud the fact that we have had women Prime Minister, we have many women at administrative positions. And we respect women enough to be able to give them power. At the same time, what we are going through, what we have always gone through is, not recognizing the power of women, the brilliance of women, and the value of women.

‘Daughter of the Mountain,’ Parvati Devi is the primary personification of Shakti Herself. Her consort is Shiva; Her children are Ganesh and Skanda, but in fact she is the mother of all gods and goddesses, of all humanity and of creation itself. Being Shakti’s ‘base form,’ Parvati manifests her wrath as Durga and Kali; and her benevolence as Lakshmi and Saraswati. She is every other goddess as well; when we worship any goddess, or for that matter even any god, we ultimately worship her.

A Balancing Principle

Parvati is Shakti’s (i.e. the Divine Feminine’s) second incarnation as the wife of Shiva. After Shiva’s first wife Sati died, her divine body parts were strewn all over India (all the places where these parts landed became Shakti peeths, or ’seats of the goddess,’ and are now sites of Devi temples) and Shiva turned his back completely on the world, resuming the life of an ascetic in a remote Himalayan cave, while the demon Taraka overran the heavens above and the earth below.With no ‘living’ Shakti (manifest Divinity) to balance Shiva (transcendent Divinity), the Cosmic order was thrown into disarray. Shiva had no interest in the world, and in any event he was ‘powerless’ (Shakti = Power, Energy) without Shakti. And so the gods prayed to Shakti to reincarnate and bring Shiva back into the world, thereby restoring the cosmic balance and saving the world. Shakti agreed and thereupon took birth as Parvati, the daughter of Himavan, the Lord of the Mountains.

Of course she grew up to be a stunningly beautiful, charming and alluring woman – her ‘mission’ after all, was to lure Shiva out of his ascetic life and make him take her as his consort. And so every day, she would visit Shiva’s cave, sweep the floor, decorate it with flowers and offer him fruits and other gifts of the earth, hoping to win his love.

Personification of Shakti

However, Shiva never even opened his eyes to notice her. So Parvati enlisted the help of Priti and Rati, the goddesses of Love and Longing. They transformed Shiva’s cave into a sensuous pleasure garden filled with fragrant flowers, exotic songbirds and buzzing honeybees. With the stage thus set,

Kama, the beautiful God of Love appeared and shot Shiva with the arrow of desire. But Shiva, unamused, simply opened his third eye and blasted

Kama with an energy beam that incinerated him on the spot. And so Love was lost to the world.“Do not despair,” Parvati told the gods when this happened. “Shiva will be my consort. And when he does, Kama will be reborn. “Whereupon Parvati disappeared into the forest, and became an ascetic herself. She performed the most rigorous self-mortifications – sitting amidst bonfires on the hottest summer days, going without clothing in the winter snow, standing motionless on one foot for interminable periods, eating next to nothing, and engaging in the most astonishingly intense sadhana. In fact, Parvati fully matched Shiva’s own asceticism, detaching herself totally from the world; completely mastering her body and mind. So perfect an ascetic was she that the other forest renunciates named her Aparna.

“The story of Parvati’s efforts to win unity with shiva, is in itself a most powerful allegory of the sadhak’s quest to merge with the Divine”

Finally the heat (tapas) generated by Parvati’s amazing austerities shook Shiva out of his meditation. He stepped out of his cave and learning of her accomplishments, agreed to be her consort. They married amidst the most divine celebrations and then together left for the

peak of

Mount Kailasa, where the two became one, and

Kama was reborn into the world.

Parvati and Shiva’s marriage is a happy and full of blissful companionship Under her benevolent influence, Shiva the ‘great ascetic’ became Shiva the ‘householder’. However, in addition to their games and pleasures, they also had serious conversations in which they questioned one another on the most profound philosophical issues. Those conversations formed the basis of the Vedas, the Yoga Sutras and the Tantras - the three principle foundations of the Hindu faith. Inspired by Parvati’s intelligence and beauty, Shiva also became a fountainhead of the arts, dance and drama.

Parvati – More Than A Consort

Shaivite approaches to Hinduism tend to look upon Parvati primarily as the god’s submissive and obedient wife and helpmate. However, Shaktas focus on Parvati’s equality or even superiority to her consort. Take, for example, the story of the birth of the ‘Ten Mahavidyas’ or ‘Wisdom Goddesses’ of Shakta Tantra. This event occurs while Shiva is living with Parvati in her father’s house. Following an argument, he attempts to walk out on her. Her rage manifests in the form of ten terrifying goddesses who block Shiva’s every exit.

As the scholar David Kinsley explains, “The fact that Parvati is able to physically restrain Shiva, dramatically demonstrates the fact that she is superior in power. The theme of the superiority of the goddess over male deities is common in Shakta texts, and so the story stresses a central Shakta theological principle. The fact that Shiva and Parvati are living in her father’s house in itself makes this point, as it is a tradition in most parts of India for the wife to leave her father’s home upon marriage and become a part of her husband’s lineage and live in his home among his relatives.That Shiva dwells in Parvati’s house implies her superiority in their relationship, which is also demonstrated in her ability – through the Mahavidyas – to thwart Shiva’s will and assert her own.”

The Great Disciple

It is not necessary to insist upon Parvati’s ’superiority’ in order to realize the power and value of her teachings. As the scholar Ellen Goldberg notes: The story of Parvati’s efforts to win unity with Shiva, is in itself a most powerful allegory of the sadhak’s quest to merge with the Divine. As a yogini (female yoga adept) and tapasvini (female accomplisher of great austerities), Parvati offers all of her devotees an inspiring model by which to master the intricacies of their sadhana. Goldberg writes: “Parvati (Shakti) is the yogini/ tapasvini par excellence. As a rule, the only necessary requirements for the [yoga] path are: access to teachings; a guru; one-pointed dedication to the practices. Parvati fulfills all three requisites. The hatha yoga tradition clearly affirms that the transmission of oral teachings proceeds directly from Shiva to Parvati. This primeval discourse in turn reflects the prototypical relationship between guru and disciple. As a yogini, Parvati performs her austerities (tapas) dutifully – subjecting herself to strict penance like eating tree bark, standing on one foot and so onto win or unite with her beloved Shiva.” “Her ascetic disciplines prepare her for a progressive ascent through body, speech and mind and lead her via preparatory and purificatory practices, to the higher attainments of yoga realization. Once her karma is dissolved, Parvati, as a model disciple, is drawn into deeper and more subtle forms of meditation, leading to the merging of herself and Shiva in the form and figure of Ardhanariswara.”

Parvati and shiva’s marriage is a happy and full of blissful companionship. Inspired by Parvati’s intelligence and beauty, Shiva became a fountainhead of the arts, dance and drama

“In this model, active engagement through asceticism or tapas is advocated as the prerequisite for unionwith Shiva: Parvati takes form as a human disciple (nari), dresses in the clothes of an ascetic, and with matted hair (jata) and modest diet (mitahara), remains in one-pointed tapas. She knows that to effect a union with Shiva and to actively save the world she must perform these tapas.” “Shiva is informed by the devas of Parvati’s effort, and he appears before her as a brahmachari (celibatemonk) who speaks of Shiva’s wrathful nature to test her resolve and commitment. Parvati is steadfast,and Shiva is duly convinced of her one-pointed determination and devotion. He then appears to her as himself and agrees to marry her. Her tapas won-over her self-chosen husband, Shiva. Parvati thereby actively subverts the normative mode of behavior for women (stridharma). In this narrative, Parvati is not an object of sexual desire, rather she is a spiritual heroine who earns her rightful status by the side of Shiva.”

Soul Curry presents an exclusive interview with Jessy Randhawa, a well known name in the modelling arena. Besides being an Indian ramp model, her versatility is that she is an actress, a ballroom dancer, expert in martial arts, kickboxing, tae-kawon-do, Reiki practitioner, popularly known as an Indian ramp model and trained to be a pilot;
She was headed to become a pilot but entered Miss India and there was’nt any looking back.
She was among the top five finalists of Femina Miss India 1994 and today is the queen bee of style and fashion.
This is not it! There is lot to more about her personality, her profound understanding of life and her mature perspective on Marriage. Correspondent from Soul Curry spoke to Jessy Randhawa about her spiritual journey and her view on Is marriage a curse or a boon.

• What’s your view about the institution of marriage? According to you “Is it a curse or a boon”?

• JESSEY: We can never call it a curse. It’s definitely a boon to get married. Two people getting married is almost like you wanting to know what Brahman is, you wanting to know what another human being is; spending time with other person is certainly not easy. You have to compromise. But you have to see it like you are accepting another human being’s Brahma. It’s not about two people getting together for producing children or social causes but it’s actually accepting another’s divinity.

• But does that feeling last when we are actually with the other person?
  

• JESSEY: Considering the fact that I am coming from a divorce, few years back I would have certainly said: this me, I and Ego is the bigger thing. But today, I feel that transformation has to happen inside you and not the other person.

• Do you think now getting married is necessary in this 21st century?
  

• JESSEY: Sure it is! It has always been important; it is also a way of self-grooming in life. As such it is very easy to live in your own world, be alone and deal with your self thinking there is no problem because in reality you are avoiding problems. But if you are with someone, you will grow as a person. You will know the problems, get into them and actually solve them, and then your relationship with everybody around you changes. It’s just like till the time you actually become a mother, you would not know what is to be a mother, what are sleepless nights, what is taking care and taking somebody’s responsibility.

“YING AND YANG MAKE THE WHOLE ENERGY. SO, DO NOT MISS THE OTHER PART OF LIFE. I THINK EVERY HUMAN BEING SHOULD HAVE THIS EXPERIENCE; BEING IN THIS WORLD, BEING WITH THE COUNTERPART, AND THEN LIVING THIS LIFE AS A HEAVEN”

• According to you, why are people in today’s world taking marriage as a bondage and opting for live-in relationships?

• JESSEY: I think it is because they fear taking responsibility, they fear getting hurt, and they fear something bad is going to happen. And foremost is that they are not sure what they want from themselves, how they would know about what they want from others. So, basically they are not sure what is marriage for and what does it mean? If they know the meaning of marriage, they will be better off deciding about it in a positive way. As of now people don’t know what they actually want? Do they want the person for physical requirement, for social requirement or they want the person for soul-mate relationship?

• What message would you like to give to the youth about deciding to get married or not?
  

• JESSEY: Ying and Yang make the whole energy. So, do not miss the other part of life. I think every human being should have this experience; being in this world, being with the counterpart, and then living this life as a heaven. Heaven is not already made and given to you. You have to make it as a heaven.
  Freedom is never curbed by another human being. If you give respect, love, and emotional security, you will get freedom; it’s just what you give to the other person you get it back.

“TRANSFORMATION HAS TO HAPPEN INSIDE YOU AND NOT THE OTHER PERSON.”

• What are your views on women being perceived as weaker than her counterpart in Indian society?
  

• JESSEY: I think women are born of strength. I would say that feminism is not only in women, it can be in men also. The feminine side of any human being, be it male or female, is the most strongest and positive side. And if you are already women, you have to go through a lot more trials and things in your life. This is what makes you stronger because you go through so many more trials. I think men are unfortunate that they are not exposed so much to the trials in life. It is therefore, much more easier for women to go inside their own self and unleash their maximum strength. Women are weak only externally, but god has given them enough balance and strength inside, so she is much stronger than a male.

• It’s for the first time that you got the opportunity of meeting Gurumaa and being part of Amrit Varsha – the divine talk in Mumbai. Please share with us your experience.
  

• JESSEY:First time was just few days back when Gurumaa had come over in Mumbai for Satsang. I went on the third day, which I absolutely regret now that I should have actually gone on the first day. That was my first meeting with her. And there was this great feeling I got of another human being who is sitting right in front of me.
  Though I am not a person of Bhajans or Satsangs as I have never been to any of these, rather I found them boring. But when Gurumaa was singing, I could not keep my eyes open. It was a transformation. The way she was singing from her heart, I do not know how to explain what a Bhajan is? But today I know what exactly a Bhajan is.

“THE FEMININE SIDE OF ANY HUMAN BEING, BE IT MALE OR FEMALE, IS THE MOST STRONGEST AND POSITIVE SIDE.”

• What’s your personal perspective on spirituality especially after attending the session?
  

• JESSEY: In my hearts of heart, I was all this while, looking for a Guru. I have been reading spiritual books because I like them and mostly say that you need a Guru to proceed in your life. And yes, I have been doing my best in my own ways to go deep into the self. But I have not been able to achieve. Whereas in three days of meeting with Gurumaa, such great transformation has happened in my life. And not only spiritually but in many other ways now things have materialized in such a nice manner. Though she has not initiated me as yet, but already, such positivity has happened  because I was in touch of Gurumaa’s aura which is suppose to be God’s aura and it has transformed me so much.

Nature has made the two genders of male and female different from one another. Their physical differences are evident, but they are different mentally too; they think differently. But one thing is common to them for sure, and that is that they cannot stay away from one another. Nothing can separate them, not even their multiple differences. A boy and a girl are apart only at the toddler stage, but once the hormone glands become active, nothing can stop them from coming together. Men can’t live without women or women without men. The truth is that nature has created these differences for a purpose. As the saying goes: Opposites will always attract. Mutual attraction between the sexes is nature’s handiwork.
Once upon a time, in primitive society, a man could have sex with any woman and vice versa – just like animals. Then, as man became wiser and started living in organized groups, the need for sex acquired another dimension – that of emotional attachment. This emotional attachment led to the further domestication of man and woman. The concept of marriage came into the picture and started taking shape slowly. When man started living in closed groups, the structure of society started to evolve, and society designed marriage around sexual attraction and emotional bonding.
Many people believe that marriages are tailor-made by god…….

……Most people I have observed feel that marriage is something which everyone should indulge in at a certain age in their life, as though it is a compulsion; maybe for sex it is! For girls it is a license to get good clothes and be the focus of attention, even though just for a few nights during the wedding celebrations. For boys it is most definitely sex, and lots of it; the best part is that they don’t even have to pay for it! And yes, it is also about finally getting a woman they can own and flaunt in their social circle.
Sex seems to be the only binding factor for many married couples, who are otherwise nagging and fighting all the time. At times the bond is the children who are accidently born of such encounters. Thus, for the sake of the children, social marriages are kept intact. I have observed many unhappy marriages that are still withstanding every onslaught, as a divorce would bring more complications and troubles for the couple and their children
Now  lets see how marriages are planned. In Indian society it is the parents or the elders who choose a bride or groom for their children. The norm is that this selection is made within the boundries of caste and religion. What is the criteria for selection? Religion, money, social status, looks: this is the order of priority. In arranged marriages it is not the union of two individuals but of two families. Therefore economic worth is given great importance and then comes the status and of course the appearance. In love marriages, the chart is topsy-turvy; first come looks, and then everything else.

Never are compatibility, like-mindedness, likes and dislikes taken into consideration…..

Ramesh was congratulated by his lovely wife Sunita, “Darling, it is our wedding anniversary. I pray to god to be your wife in my next seven lives too.” Ramesh whispered to himself, “O god, may this be my last birth, how else will I tolerate her for the next seven.”

Lets examine how marriage was viewed in the
distant past, from the point of view of tradition. In Vedic times, marriage was considered to be not entirely a social contract or a worldly commitment, but was seen as an
important part of one’s spiritual journey. Masters and students saw life in a larger perspective.

For a Hindu there are four pillars on which life should ideally be based: Dharma – the principle of life; arth – money; kaama – desires including sex; moksha – liberation. These were considered the four objectives of life. A human being should strive to experience all four in  order to bring about a total harmony, completeness and fullfilment to life.
All Hindu gods are married: Shiva & Parvati, Vishnu & Lakhsmi, Ram & Sita, Krishna & Rukmini. Most of our sages and rishis were married. Vashist, Atri, Vishwamitra, Agasthya, and Garga Acharaya, the list goes on and on. Marriage was considered holy; it was not entered into for the sake of sex alone. Undoubtedly procreation was a reason, but another very important reason was that marriage was considered a part of sadhana. Living through the body and experiencing physical and emotional closeness and security was expected to mature the mind and take one to a deeper understanding of life. Usually people live their lives without any understanding of how and why things happen. In order to understand every experience with total awareness, training was given before marriage, to both men and women.

Boys and girls received training of the mind by various means: studying of the scriptures, contemplation, meditation – serving the master for good eighteen years made them mature and responsible adults. This period of brahmcharya was a preparation for the future challenges in a householder’s life. When a person gets married, every bhoga – sensory pleasure – is within reach. This is the time to test whether man is the master of his body, mind and senses, or it is the sensory objects which will enslave him. Marriage means being in the world and of the world, and yet being firmly established in one’s spiritual practices; learning to remain distant and aloof from it. We live our life through this body; resisting the urges of the mind and body is like losing battle…..
Marriage was supposed to be a tool of sadhana, a testing-ground for one’s mind, to see how much it is attached to sex, wealth, house, name etc

My question is: “Did you marry nurturing the same sentiments and mind-set as described above? If unmarried, are you preparing to get married in a similar manner, as it is supposed to be? Everyone is so keen to get married but no one talks about this! Therefore, I say good! Go ahead and get married, but are you prepared for it? Do you know what marriage really means? If you get  married without the right understanding of marriage, then most probably it will become a curse for you. It will become a cross on which you will be martyred.
Please think before you leap. If you are well prepared for marriage, then it can be heaven, and if you are not, then it will be a curse. By itself, marriage is neither heaven nor hell – it is what a person makes of it.

The mind has strange ways of misleading and miscalculating things – and then suffering because of it. Although everyone wants to be happy, yet everyone does all the things which create the reasons for more and more unhappiness. It is very important to understand one thing: that one cannot live in peace if one is in bondage. If a person is bound in physical chains then that is a physical bondage that is very visible, but when the chains are invisible and subtle, then it is more difficult to overcome them.

A mind that is bound by its desires, attachments and dreams is a ‘pashu’

In the Hindi language the word for animal is ‘pashu’; the root of the word ‘pashu’ is ‘pash’ which means rope. Hence the meaning of ‘pashu’ is one who is bound by rope. Animals are tied, not human beings. One end of the rope is tied round an animal’s neck and the other end of the rope is tied to a pole. Have you ever seen an animal that is tied up? Such a sad state; its movement is restricted. If its drinking water or food is kept at a distance, then it has to suffer hunger and thirst and can’t do a thing about it. The animal is in an helpless position – it can’t complain or shout or submit a complaint against its owner with any court or authority. Man too is bound; man too is in chains; the state of man too is pathetic. Can a person who is in bondage be happy? A mind that is bound by its desires, attachments and dreams is a ‘pashu’ too. The difference between an animal and a man is not just of the body; the truth is that the mind of a human is also in chains. The only difference is that the rope that ties an animal is visible and the rope that ties a man is invisible.

One cannot live in peace if one is in bondage

Shiva is also known as Pashupatinath – ‘pashu’ means animal and ‘pati’ means lord. Hence the meaning of Pashupatinath is: Lord of the animals. We are born with the possibility of, and ability to, become pashupatinath, i.e., lord of the animal within. This name signifies that unless and until you are awakened, you are a pashu – an animal – a slave of the senses and the mind. When you are awakened you become a master of your senses and of your mind too. In Shiva is the objective and target of human life – that is to rise above the mind and senses. When the mind is the master, then you are the slave. When the mind knows only sensual physical joys, then it is bound to them – there is no other option left.
From birth you were dependent on your mother, father, aunt, nanny, or granny for anything you needed. When you were hungry, when you were afraid, when you were lonesome, when you fell down and got hurt – you called for help, and the one who was available to you most of the time was the person you got attached to the most. Slowly this attachment led to a sense of security, happiness and protection. This develops into emotional bondage and one begins to feel weak, vulnerable and sad if that person is not close or within reach. This emotional slavery clips your wings and imprisons you in an imaginary cage – one which you have created, and jailed yourself in.
I see people worrying endlessly about individuals they are attached to. Any small delay in a child or husband’s return home from school or work gives rise to fears of what may have happened. Thoughts of a possible accident or mugging plague the mind. People are in constant fear of their spouse being involved with someone else; they always keep a watchful eye over one another.  The mind begins to torture itself incessantly till the loved one or his message arrives.
These are some of the external situations which may arise in your life, but there is no end to the possibilities of such circumstances. If you are not free from emotional bondage, then neither can you ever be really free of worries and anxieties. And if you have a high level of anxiety in your mind, it will certainly give rise to a number of diseases in the body too. An unhealthy mind lives in an unhealthy body.
So the question is: Do you know how to keep your mind anxiety and bondage free? If you don’t, then you are really in bad shape – you are slowly inching towards disease and death!

An unhealthy mind lives in an unhealthy body

A stressed out mind is home to many psychosomatic diseases. I can honestly say, that if you wish to remain physically and mentally healthy, then you must keep your mind free of bonds and stress. Actually all the stress occurs because of bondages. You want  that a person who is a source of joy and security to you should stay with you forever; he should never leave you. Therefore, no matter how difficult it is to live with that person, you still carry on. Unhappy marriages continue because of such insecurity and mental bondage.

You don’t know how to survive without certain people so you put up with them and end up suffering a lot. And the more you suffer, the more you seek opportunities to hit back! In the name of relationships, individuals torture one another. Arguments and fights happen all the time between husband and wife, parents and children, friends, and lovers.
Are you aware of a state of mind, a state of consciousness which is bondage free where you relate well with yourself and with others – be it friends, colleagues or relatives. A person who has not struck up the right relationship with himself, cannot have a relationship with anyone else.
There are some people who cannot live or sleep alone; they need someone with them, be it a person or a toy. Fear of loneliness and darkness etc., is simply because you do not know how to live with yourself; you haven’t had a communion with yourself. Man has time to relate with others through mms, sms, phone and email, but he never has the good fortune to meet his own self. When you lose out on having a relationship with yourself, how can you have an in-depth interaction with others?

I saw an advertisement of a textile company on television. The ad said that their fabric makes you a complete man. I really wondered how a piece of cloth could complete a man! But the reality of life is that this is how people live. Some feel a relative completes them, some say a certain amount of money completes them and yet others feel that social status completes them! They feel incomplete without the object of their desire. How untrue these statements are!  So untrue! But people love the lies which offer false consolation. A fool’s paradise is what everyone is looking for; no one wants a real paradise – the fool’s paradise comes cheap and without effort too! But does such a paradise really exist? It certainly does not!
Human life is a gift from god, from nature, then why is it so difficult for a human being to see life as a precious gift? The answer is very clear: they don’t have the eyes to see; ignorance and darkness have blinded their vision. To put it simply and harshly: people are handicapped. The mind which is full of cluttered thoughts, scores of unfulfilled desires and hundreds of grudges, cannot see what lies ahead.
Jesus used to say that if you have eyes then see and if you have ears then listen to me. I always wondered what kind of a statement this was! He was not dealing with throngs and throngs of blind and deaf people, then why did he say this. The eyes we have are made to see the truth; the ears we have are made to hear the inner song of divinity. But those eyes are different and those ears are different. In ancient Hindu scriptures, it is said that the master is the healer; he is a physician. We are all born with deformities and handicaps, and until and unless you find a physician you will not be normal.

The diseases of the mind are many; of them, dependence on others is the worst one for it makes people’s
life a living hell

The diseases of the mind are many; of them, dependence on others is the worst one for it makes people’s life a living hell. A wife is dependant on the husband – physically, emotionally, financially and socially. Children are dependant on the parents, parents are dependant on children, the list goes on and on. In all relationships, one is weak and the other is strong. The weaker one is dominated by the stronger one to serve his selfish ends. Until and unless an individual is free – totally free – he cannot live in peace. Our mind is always looking for some shoulder to lean on – this makes one vulnerable and weak.
Ask yourself this question: Do I want to remain vulnerable and tied to someone or something, to the extent that that thing or person becomes my master and then treats me like an animal? There is no weakness that cannot be overcome. The only thing needed is the will to overcome it and I say: ‘Yes, I can overcome it, without any doubt.’
Once I heard the story of a trader who halted at a serai – a type of an inn. As he was tying-up his camels, he found he was short of rope. Exhausted and too tired to look for rope, he sat wondering what to do. A kind man saw his plight and asked what the problem was. When told about the shortage of rope, he said that he had a piece of advice for the man. “Just move your hands in a tying motion around the feet of the camels and talk to them telling them that now you have tied them up so they should just sit there and relax for the night.” The trader was bewildered and wondered how this nonsense would work! “Trust me, it always works,” said the kind man. Disbelieving the man, the trader anyhow did as instructed. Then he went into the inn to rest for the night. Early next morning he went to see his flock. To his amazement the camels were all there – as he had left them – not one was missing!
He started untying the camels and ordering them to move. One by one the camels started getting up slowly – but not all of them – some just kept sitting. He shouted at them, yet they didn’t move. He whipped them; still they did not budge an inch. He was flabbergasted. What had happened to his camels? On seeing the kind man pass by, the trader rushed to him for help, “What have you done to my camels? They are not getting up. The kind man smiled and he said. “Did you untie them?” “Yes, of course I did. What kind of a stupid question is that?” said the trader. “Including the ones you tied with imaginary ropes?” The trader felt embarrassed recalling the last night’s episode. He said, “No, I didn’t untie those who were tied with imaginary ropes. But how does it matter? They were not real ropes.” The kind man laughed and said, “If imaginary ropes can tie, then they can hold back the camels too. So go to your camels and untie them the way you tied them – talking to them and moving your hands around their feet.” The trader did as instructed, and Lo! the camels moved and started walking.
Human minds are also tied with imaginary ropes, and you forget when you had bound yourself. Someone is tied to his house, wife, husband, children, money or status – hence he can’t move – move on the path of self-awakening. We have to untie these ropes to move above and beyond the body, ‘I’ consciousness, pettiness and all the diseases of the mind. To begin with, you have to understand where you have tied your mind; one has to look for the unseen ropes and be free of them.
When you are unbound, only then are you totally free; free to be what you are; free to express; free to interact without any expectations, slavery or silly conditionings.
Meditation teaches you to be with the self in such a way that you are richer, happier, and more content with yourself. Then you do not need others to feel happiness, joy or completeness.

Q: What exactly is an emotion and from where does it arise? Is it a mental state related only to the individual or does it involve others as well. How is it related to our thoughts?

Gurumaa: In this world duality is concerned only with subject and object. The interaction of these two results in a range of experiences. The entire experiential world consists of an object and a subject. Every individual has a characteristic mind set, a particular background, a certain upbringing, a defined socio-economic structure, and a personalized ability to comprehend life: these differ from other individuals. Hence each individual’s reaction to an object or a situation is different. The mind too works at various levels: conscious, unconscious, sub-conscious and super-conscious. All the inputs received through the five senses – eyes, nose, ears, tongue and skin – are continuously perceived and registered by the mind. The objective world is known by its sight, smell, taste, touch and sound: all these sensory inputs are stored in the sub-conscious mind which can be called the hard disk of our mental computer.

It is strange that each mind perceives and stores information in a different way. The same thing can be good, bad, wonderful or ugly to different people. Our world is created by our perceptions, therefore I can say that emotions are spontaneous reactions of individuals to objects experienced by the senses. Emotions are waves that emanate from a conditioned mind. Waves of thoughts keep rising in the mind; the mind reacts impulsively or responds logically to a given situation. When the sub-conscious mind receives information it is passive, but most of the time the conscious mind – dependant on its preconditioning – imparts a certain hue to the input received. At other times the information is analyzed by the mind itself, for we have strong opinions about most things.

Emotions are spontaneous reactions of individuals to objects experienced by the senses

Q: Could you please explain us about emotional dependency?

Gurumaa: Every individual seeks joy and security. Fear of loss, fear of the unknown and fear of death is intrinsic to the human mind – therefore the mind always looks for happiness and emotional security. It is the natural tendency of the mind to seek a person or thing most likely to give us hope of joy and security in an uncertain future, and fit into the requirements of our needs. Because insecurities are deeply embedded in the human mind, therefore one is unwittingly attracted to the source of apparent hope. And soon the mind spins a whole web of expectations around that thing or person. No one wishes to be alone or unwanted, so the mind plays all kinds of games and uses all kinds of ploys to seek attention and to make a positive impression on parents, teachers, friends and colleagues. The mind tends to lend a wide spectrum to its aspirations – it wants to grab everything which can give it a sense of worth!

It is the natural tendency of the mind to seek a person or thing most likely to give us hope of joy and security in an uncertain future, and fit into the requirements of our needs

The mind suffers from the disease of possessiveness; it clings to objects and individuals as though this alone can make it happy or secure. From here dependency begins. This one line: I cannot live without you, is the trademark of your dependency. On record no one will admit to being dependant, yet no one is free of dependence. Take a minute to think and look deep inside and see if you feel that you cannot live without something or someone. If the answer is yes, then certainly you are an emotional dependant. This fact is unrecognized and unaccepted by most people; that is how you end up suffering at your own hands.
I know of many people who say that they can’t live without something or someone – a relative, a car, a dog, the husband, the wife, the job or status – the list goes on and on – and yet if you confront them directly with this fact, they will simply deny it.

Q: What does it mean to take emotional responsibility? How can one change the pre-conditioning of the mind?

Gurumaa: Being emotionally responsible means not being vulnerable, rather, being conscious in our dealings with people. It also means to be conscious of our mind and to observe our responses to people and situations. Unknowingly the mind creates mental bondages and desires – propelled by lust and greed – which are then topped with insecurities. You are constantly and untiringly occupied with creating a mess in your life! Speculations that are strife with anxiety add fuel to fire, increasing our agony further. One has to look deep into the mind and ask: ‘What do you want O mind. What are you looking for?’ If you have a little clarity the answer will be right in front of your eyes. But if you are totally immersed in worldly pursuits, then only the bitter knocks of life can give you a wake up call!

Awareness is the anti-virus to the infection of dependency in the mind
If a virus infests our computer we have it cleaned up; so it is always wise to have a good anti-virus system installed on your laptops and computers. Awareness is the anti-virus to the infection of dependency in the mind. But awareness does not happen in a day, one has to learn to develop and strengthen it with every passing day. A life lived without awareness is indeed a bed of thorns, of insecurities and of slavery.

One has to look deep into the mind and ask: ‘What do you want O mind. What are you looking for?’ If you have a little clarity the answer will be right in front of your eyes

Q: How can one rise above emotions?

Gurumaa: By simply being a witness to them. All emotions arise in the mind – and the knower of the mind is indeed different from the mind. The association with the mind is so strong that it seems absolutely impossible to see oneself as separate from the mind. The identification with the mind is even deeper than the association with the body. When one can’t see the body, senses and the mind as being different from the self, then how can one be a witness to their action? We never feel that the body is different from us – we see the body as being us. The same is true of the mind. Although we do say that ‘my’ mind is sad, happy, excited, anxious or angry – yet deep inside we see ourselves as a body and a mind. Thus any sensation taking place in the body or any  emotion arising in the mind, are thought of as happening to us. So when the mind is shattered we feel that I am shattered; when the mind is happy then we say that I am happy. The waves of emotions which arise in the mind engulf you. The identification with the mind is so strong and overpowering that it is very difficult to see the knower as distinct from the mind.

We never feel that the body is different from us – we see the body as being us. The same is true of the mind. Although we do say that ‘my’ mind is sad, happy, excited, anxious or angry – yet deep inside we see ourselves as a body and a mind
It is difficult to learn to swim when the river is in flood; it is wiser to do so when it is calm. Similarly, when the mind is not disturbed one can understand experientially, the art of witnessing thoughts. What is the mind? It is the sum total of thoughts, impressions, memories and conditioning. As one practices awareness, one by one the thoughts unravel and very slowly one begins to understand the whole drama played out by the complexities of the mind. This art requires deep patience and perseverance on the part of the meditator – it will not happen in one day, nor will it happen with theoretical knowledge. It will happen only by first accepting the fact that thoughts exist and then alienating one’s self from them. Emotions are strong responses which occur more as a reflex than as a deliberate exercise. You do not think of a response to a situation, it happens spontaneously defeating all your meticulous plans of not getting angry, sad or jealous. When the situation arises you do just the exact opposite of what you had planned! And feel guilty into the bargain!
Emotions fail all your great philosophies. Life is full of new situations and challenges, and  no one can prepare or tutor one’s self to meet them. The mind is very complex and one needs to understand its mechanism to overcome its grip. Witnessing the functioning of the mind gives you the ability to be established in the process of witnessing – this paves the way for overcoming the grip of emotions.

Q: What about the accumulation of suppressed emotions, is it not also a disease of the mind?

Gurumaa: There are two schools of thought on this issue: traditional society favours suppression and modern western society favours expression. In the first the practitioner suffers and in the second where you vent your feelings, there is a possibility that the other person suffers – so one party has to suffer, which is definitely not a good thing. A third way is to neither suppress nor express, but to watch the drama of emotions played out in the mind as a witness to the reactions and responses of people including yourself. People are so well conditioned and trained to emote that they act and react accordingly. There are some words which will upset you and others which will make you happy. Every smart person tries to learn the trigger words; those who do can easily manipulate people. Deep in their hearts everyone tries not to be vulnerable and they create a wall around themselves – a wall of cold behavior, anger, egotism or aloofness. That is their way of protecting themselves from an onslaught of emotions and its repercussions.

Society requires people to behave in a certain way; there is code of conduct to be followed in offices, in families and in public places. Everyone tries their best to follow the diktats of social mores, but this only adds to their hypocrisy, leading to further suffering. Society is more accepting of robots than of human beings who respond to situations.
I have heard that when Rinzai’s master died, he cried so loudly that people were surprised: How could a man of his stature cry like this in public. Some advised him not to wail like a woman, others reminded him of his master’s message that the body is mortal. Rinzai said, “Well, I do know that, but I have lost my master’s body, the one that spoke great words of wisdom, that loved me and accepted me as I am. I am not bothered about what people will say about my crying. I am weeping for the body and not for the eternal soul. I am crying for the body which will never again be seen in all its beauty and glory.
Rinzai was not a hypocrite – he was a normal person who could cry when he was hurt, while simultaneously witnessing the crying; he could come out of it whenever he wanted to.

Trust is a very important factor for all relationships. When trust is broken, it is the end of the relationship. Lack of trust leads to suspicion, suspicion generates anger, anger causes enmity and enmity may result in separation.

A telephone operator told me that one day she received a phone call. She answered, ‘Public Utilities Board.’ There was silence. She repeated, ‘PUB.’ There was still no answer. When she was going to cut off the line, she heard a lady’s voice, ‘Oh, so this is PUB. Sorry, I got the number from my Husband’s pocket but I do not know whose number it is.’

Without mutual trust, just imagine what will happen to the couple if the telephone operator answered with just ‘hello’ instead of ‘PUB’.

NO POINTING FINGERS

A man asked his father-in-law, ‘Many people praised you for a successful marriage. Could you please share with me your secret?’
The father-in-law answered in a smile, ‘Never criticize your wife for her shortcomings or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind that because of her shortcomings and weaknesses, she could not find a better husband than you.’

We all look forward to being loved and respected. Many people are afraid of losing face. Generally, when a person makes a mistake, he would look around to find a scapegoat to point the finger at. This is the start of a war. We should always remember that when we point one finger at a person, the other four fingers are pointing at ourselves.

If we forgive the others, others will ignore our mistake too.

CREATING PERFECT RELATIONSHIPS

A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and requested ‘I am looking for a spouse. Please help me to find a suitable one.’ The SDU officer said, ‘Your requirements, please.’ ‘Oh, good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good in singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don’t go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.’ The officer listened carefully and replied, ‘I understand you need television.’

There is a saying that a perfect match can only be found between a blind wife and a deaf husband, because the blind wife cannot see the faults of the husband and the deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of the wife. Many couples are blind and deaf at the courting stage and dream of perpetual perfect relationship. Unfortunately, when the excitement of love wears off, they wake up a and discover that marriage is not a bed of roses. The nightmare begins.

NO OVERPOWERING

Many relationships fail because one party tries to overpower another, or demands too much. People in love tend to think that love will conquer all and their spouses will change the bad habits after marriage. Actually, this is not the case. There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that ‘It is easier to reshape a mountain or a river than a person’s character.’

It is not easy to change. Thus, having high expectation on changing the spouse character will cause disappointment and unpleasantness.

It would be less painful to change ourselves and lower our expectations..

Harmful childhood experiences (even those not remembered consciously) can force us to close our hearts in an attempt at self-protection from further pain. There is no such thing as perfect parents. We all have “baggage” from our pasts and we construct walls of emotional scar tissue to close over our unhealed wounds. This protective barrier locks us in and others out and can inhibit our ability to develop close connections with others. The degree of this self-protection is equal to the severity of our perceived wounds.

Attachment Styles and Relationships

The attachment styles that develop in childhood stay with us for a lifetime. They influence our feelings of security, the personal meaning given to our experiences, and the ability to develop and maintain closeness with others. We all have perceptions and behaviors across the continuum of attachment styles; however, we tend to adopt one primary style.

Couples Treatment

We are biologically designed to seek and maintain attachments with others through which we learn the lessons of love, inter-dependence and trust. The quality of our core relationships has a profound effect on our health and well-being. Studies show that the level of marital happiness is the strongest predictor of overall life satisfaction.

When we enter into relationships, both partners bring along all their unresolved conflicts, fears, hurts and expectations. There is a strong tendency to recreate abusive, neglectful, or in other ways hurtful relationships from childhood with our adult partners. These old dysfunctional patterns become indistinguishable from current emotional triggers. A stacking of emotions can occur whereby an event in a current relationship triggers the unleashing of old feelings and reactions, creating a confusion of powerful old hurts and new ones. If our emotions in a situation are disproportionate to the provocation, we are probably bringing up an old hurt.

The tendency to unconsciously attract relationships that reenact past conflicts and beliefs is called “repetition compulsion.” This drive to repeat familiar patterns, no matter how painful or self-defeating, is very powerful. For example, adult children of alcoholics frequently marry alcoholics, and an abused child with a high tolerance for maltreatment may grow up and attract high levels of stress and conflict in his/her marriage. We unconsciously are attracted to people who allow us to revisit our childhood issues in an attempt to get it right.

To be successful in relationships, we must also learn how to blend our differences. When couples fall in love, differences are easily tolerated, and both work hard to please each other. However, as we become more familiar and the stresses of life take their toll, our best behavior is quickly eroded. Soon our little differences become annoyances and our predominant attachment style emerges. Partners commonly have different styles, which guides their attitudes and behaviors in relationships. We often attempt to change the other person to fit more comfortably with our own beliefs. This rarely works. The following is how the various adult attachment styles look in relationships.

Laws of Couple Relationships

Relationships are one of the most challenging paths for achieving emotional and spiritual growth. Few other experiences provoke the depth of our fears, insecurities, and vulnerabilities. Some people believe that it is much easier to be alone. There are easier paths, but none offer the opportunities for personal development inherent in intimate relationships. Unfortunately, most of us have no clue how to navigate through the challenges that intimate relationships provide. We are not born knowing how to create a successful relationship, we do not learn Relationship tips in school, and self-help books offer minimal help. Most of us usually end up following what our parents taught us about relationships. Having a solid grasp of how relationships work is particularly important if you must deal with challenging children. There are four basic laws of relationships, that when understood, can make the road to intimacy easier to travel. If more couples understood the laws, then perhaps the divorce rate would not be so high. They include the following:

Transference: This is the unconscious identification of some person in your current life with some significant person or situation from your past. A demanding boss can elicit childhood feelings of not being good enough. Having lived with a malcontent mother may cause you to overreact to your wife’s criticism. If your father was emotionally unavailable, you may be attracted to a husband who is distant and withdrawn. We truly do marry our mothers and fathers at least once. We all have expectations of behavior in current relationships based on previous experiences. We do this regardless of whether the past experiences were positive or negative. If we liked how our parents treated each other and us, we seek to replicate that in a current relationship. If our childhood experiences were less than positive, we also unconsciously seek to replicate that. If a pattern is not healed, then it is continually recreated until it is healed. This is why some people divorce and immediately remarry someone just like the previous spouse.

The magnetic attraction that draws us to someone is not just about physical appearance. The chemistry present in the beginning stages of a relationship might really be about transference. We are attracted to people who remind us of our parents. It is not uncommon for us to see what we want to see. We can project qualities onto a person based on our expectations. When the infatuation wears off and the reality sets in, problems can occur. Sometimes the qualities that we initially find attractive in a partner later become an annoyance.

Mirroring: “Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror.” Most of us believe that we marry for ideals such as love and romance and practical reasons such as security, companionship, and starting a family. What we are also doing is picking someone who will help us recreate old familiar family patterns. By their very nature, marriages force the issues we have carried with us since childhood into the forefront. Intimate relationships are the mirror that reflects back to us all our emotional baggage. This is no cruel joke, the purpose is to help us face and heal our unresolved issues through repetition. You can not hide your “dark side” in an intimate relationship. Eventually all your hidden demons will emerge.

Blaming your partner for your unhappiness and other problems is futile. It is difficult to see our own shortcomings, yet quite easy to see someone else’s. What we do not realize is that what we do not like about the people closest to us, really is what we do not like or accept about ourselves. If we do not currently have a partner, then mirroring occurs with other players in our lives. It could be with our children, roommates, or co-workers. The more intimate the relationship, the more powerful the mirroring.

Trying to change your partner is another road to futility. The harder you try to make someone else change, the more you alienate them, and the more powerless you become. You can not change another. The only person you have the power to change is yourself. The irony is that if you change, they will have to change. It takes two to tango. The “emotional dance” between the two of you can not continue if one partner refuses to dance. The relationship must then adapt by choreographing another dance.

Remember, life is your movie and you are the director of the movie. Your thoughts, perceptions, and actions are the script. Change these, and your movie changes. People who are successful in life are people who take responsibility for their lives. They do not blame others for their misfortunes. Blaming others leaves you a powerless victim. Owning your experience is a key to happiness. If you believe that every occurrence in your life presents a lesson and an opportunity for growth, then nothing bad can ever happen to you. This philosophy does not take away the pain of life’s tragedies, but it can help buffer them. So why not think this way? Having a personal meaning helps us to cope with life’s challenges in a purposeful way.