Till about the age of 2, parents are in complete control of the child. They can put him to sleep at a time it suits them, make him wear what they want, take him out to places they like, and can distract him from his demands. But one fine day, they hear a two-letter word from their child’s mouth - ‘NO!’ And this two-letter word declares the beginning of a war between the parent and the child.

The parent feels how could a little child defy his authority, and the child feels how can he deny me my right to freedom. The parent and the child then try to assert their power with parents thrusting, forcing their choices on the child and the child becoming headstrong not to follow what parents tell him to do. The outcome is a more stubborn, rebellious child who is so easily labeled as ‘bad’.

When children feel their parents are overpowering them, they resort to destructive behaviour so that it can hurt the parents and which in turn harms them. Such behaviour in small children is seen when they refuse to eat, throw tantrums, shout at parents and it may take the shape of neglecting studies, and taking drugs when they grow up, just to feel more powerful than their parents!

Parents should take their child’s desire to be in control of himself as a positive sign. When your child says ‘no’, take it as a sign of disagreement and not disrespect. Instead guide him how to say it respectfully and appropriately.

Listen to what he has to say and do things his way unless and until his demand is unacceptable. Where you differ with your child, give choices and not orders. Like teddy or dog to sleep with, rice or chapatti to eat, stacking toys or helping mama in the kitchen, math or science. This will give your child the feeling that he is doing things with his own choice and not being dominated.

If things still don’t work out, it is time to take a firm stand. But do it in a way that doesn’t make the child feel powerless in front of you and instead feels he is in power. Like if your child takes his hand out of the window of the car, give him the responsibility to ensure that no one takes out the hands; if he doesn’t take dinner in time, entrust him with the duty to make all members of the family sit on the table sharp at 9 p.m.!

This way you are getting your child to do just what you wanted and at the same time, making him feel that he is the captain of the ship. Now isn’t that what you want that he should become capable to take charge of his life. For that, begin today.

PARENTING TIP : Take your child’s ‘No’ in your stride and show that you respect his viewpoint in a way that makes him feel that he is being empowered and not overpowered by parents.

The writer is Chairperson of Mother’s Pride.

Sudha Gupta